Dealing with grief

Years ago, I stood witness to a heart-wrenching scene: a widow wailing before her husband's grave in a military cemetery. Her cries echoed through the solemn silence, a painful reminder of her deep despair.

Grief is a journey with no map, no GPS to guide us through its twists and turns.

Coming to terms with a loss is always hard.

"You realize that grief is perhaps the last and final translation of love. And I think, you know, this is the last act of loving someone. And you realize that it will never end. You get to do this, to translate this last act of love for the rest of your life." Novelist Ocean Vuong

While some may talk about the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – the reality is that grief does not necessarily progress in a linear pattern.

Here, I'll answer some common questions about grief.

Is there a "right" way to grieve?

People grieve in different ways and there's no right or wrong way of doing it. It's normal to feel sad and have a strong longing for the deceased. Some people may even feel numb, angry or guilty (survivor's guilt). Some people may withdraw from social life while others may continue to live their life to the fullest. Changes in appetite, sleeping patterns, and moods are also par for the course.

How long should I grieve?

Grieving takes time. In some cultures, families are expected to mourn for a certain number of days or months. They are not supposed to hold festivities or celebrations during this period. But there is really no set expiry period for grieving. Some people may suddenly start crying when they are reminded of a departed loved one – years after that person passed away. President Biden continues to speak of his son Beau at almost every opportunity nearly a decade since his death.

Some family members may take longer than others to "move on" and sometimes, they may feel pressure to sync their own grieving with others – they shouldn't be. There's no rushing the mourning process.

"I felt that my life has been lived in only two days, if that makes any sense. You know, there's the today, where she is not here, and then the vast and endless yesterday where she was, even though it's been three years since." Novelist Ocean Vuong on the death of his mother

Can grief become a problem?

Normally, the feelings that follow a loss will ease over time. However, for some people the feeling of loss may remain intense for longer and may become debilitating or unhealthy, preventing them from being able to function well in their daily lives.

For example, a person may develop depressive symptoms like anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) and may not want to spend time with others or do activities that they previously enjoyed. Others may not be able to overcome their anger and push away friends and family members, leading to social isolation.

Other factors influence people's ability to mourn, for example, lack of readiness for the death (e.g. accidents, violent deaths), difficulty in making sense of the death, underlying mental health issues, and other stressors (e.g. financial difficulties, medical issues).

Do children and adults experience grief the same way?

Children may feel sadness, guilt (for example, blaming themselves for the death of a parent because they've been "bad"), anger, shame or fear (loss of sense of security). Younger children may not be able to wrap their heads around the concept of death and may not be able to verbalize their feelings and instead express them behaviorally.

Sometimes, as adults deal with their own bereavement, children's grief reactions are overlooked. But during these times, they actually need assurances and support from the adults in their lives to make sense of their feelings and thoughts.

Indeed, family members should pay attention to these behaviors in children following a loss:

• drastic change in behavior

• withdrawing from friends and adults

• deterioration in school performance

• hurting or talking about hurting themselves

• constant rumination of what happened

What is grief counselling?

Grief counselling may help the survivor adapt to the loss and be able to adjust to the new reality without their loved one. Counsellors can help you deal with emotional pain, clarify and resolve the things that keep you stuck in the grieving process, find meaning in the loss, and find ways to remember the deceased while moving forward with your life.

If you are or you know someone experiencing prolonged grief or simply having a hard time coping with a loss, please don't hesitate to reach out to a professional counsellor or therapist.

Written by Heda Bayron, HKPCA

References:

Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer.

Dyregrov, A. (1991, 2nd ed.). Grief in Children: A Handbook for Adults. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Understanding Children’s Grief: How It Differs from Adults and What You Can Do to Help – Feel the Magic